It’s ironic to me that most people feel uncomfortable talking about sex, yet there’s a hypersexuality within the culture. In my exploration, I’ve found sexuality to be the most powerful and pleasurable experience. On Reddit Dead Bedroom there are a plethora of people sharing their struggle-stories of attempting to talk to their partner about their sexless relationship. Dead bedrooms is a term that recently came into my awareness, which has inspired this entire blogpost, how to talk about sex with your partner(s).
In this blog I share 3 steps to navigate a sex talk conversation;
- Approach the conversation with curiosity-
- Sometimes we create expectations about the future depending on how experiences have unfolded in the past. Release the necessity to solve a problem and lean into discovering collaboration with your partner in a new and curious way. It will be of the highest benefit for you to release all expectations or concepts of ‘how you think the conversation will go’ and instead open your mind to curiosity
- Before approaching your partner for the conversation practice identifying feelings that are inside of yourself. Perhaps you use meditation, yoga or breathwork to release unserving energies and restore equilibrium. These feelings can also become the entrypoint to your discussion with your partner. Vulnerability is your superpower.
For Example: I feel nervous to share this but I would like to ask, are you open to having a conversation with you about sex?
• This feels vulnerable to share, but I would like to express my experience…
•This feels scary for me to talk about because…
2. Use Empathic Communication- Take responsibility for your experience Empathic communication is a method of speaking that uses the impeccability of language to take full responsibility for your experience. The intention is for you to express your experience without projecting shame, blame or wrongdoing on the person you are speaking to.
You can start by telling your partner, I am becoming more aware of my sexual energy and my desires,
• I’ve noticed our sexuality has become routine (over the years), are you open to discussing how we can explore new sensations and experiences in our sexual engagement?
•I’ve noticed we don’t really talk about sex, do you have a feeling why that is?
Becoming aware of your internal landscape and sharing yourself transparently with your partner will create emotional connection. Place precise focus on feeling your body to become further aware of your somatic, energetic and emotional experience.
‘I am experiencing…’
• Emotional examples: fear, shame, guilt, grief, overwhelm, excitement, anxiousness, joyousness, etc.
• Energetic/somatic examples: Tingling, shakiness, heaviness, openness, lightness, blossoming, stirring etc.
• Physical examples, legs, belly, heart, head etc.
3. Inquire & Hold Space for your partner’s response, reaction or emotional experience.
When you bring up the topic of sexuality your partner may have an experience , whether they energetically shut down and dissociate or become angry with the topic at hand, hold compassionate space for them and affirm that they have not done anything wrong. Holding space is the practice of fully receiving another in their authentic experience by placing the entirety of your awareness onto them so they can be seen, heard, and received. The practice of holding space can look like sitting in close proximity, holding hands, and looking eye to eye.
Learn to inquire about your partner’s experience:
For example: I am observing you energetically shut down, are you in touch with what you’re feeling?
• Do you have any sexual fantasies?
• Do you have any requests or desires that you would like to explore with me?
• What brings you pleasure?
Emotional connection is a major catalyst to sexual chemistry, especially for women. When you can hold space for your partner’s emotional experience without judging it or contracting, your partner will feel more connected to you. If they experience defensiveness you can affirm to them that you’re not forcing anything to be different, instead, state your intentions, or that you want to explore an emotional connection that does not require moving forward in physical connection.
To me, sexuality does not always mean intercourse. Sexuality, or the cultivation of sexual energy, is only available when I have an intimate, vulnerable and heart-centered connection with my partner. Ensuring a heart connection with your partner will be key to stimulating the flow of erotic energy. The ever-evoloving nature of relationships will create fluctuations in libido and chemistry. Sexaul energy can manifest in many ways, whether it’s kissing, nuzzling, cuddling, massage exchange, dry humping or dancing. Invoke playfullness, be curious and remain open-hearted when it comes to sexual exploration to use this powerful energy to strengthen your intimate relationships. Discovering diverse and expressive forms of intimacy and sensuality will support you and your partner in reigniting the chemistry between you.
In the Tantric philosophy I embrace, sexuality is the life-force energy which invigorates and inspires us to live, to create and to play. Through the cultivation of sexual energy, the human’s biology releases immense amounts of feel good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin which support uplifted mood, strengthened immunity and an increase in sensation, pleasure and vitality. Beyond experiencing physiological effects, I feel that with intention sexuality can also support spiritual expansion and metaphysical awareness.
If you are looking for more focused support in healing your sexless partnership, consider Intimacy and Realtionship coaching. I offer coaching for individuals and clients who are seeking to integrate more sacredness, vulnerability, deeper connection in their relationships and expanded sexuality.
Intimacy and Relationship Coaching benefits:
• Expansion in emotional connection
• Discovering desires and preferences
• Releasing shame and guilt around your sexual desires
• Becoming a confident and skillful lover
• Learning Tantric philosophy and applying practices into your lifestyle
The guidance of an Intimacy coach can provide an objective perspective to your experiences in sexuality and relationship. It is my inspiration in supporting people to become more connected to themselves and how to use pleasure for healing. If you’re experiencing less than satisfying intimacy, sensuality or sexuality in your relationship I highly encourage exploring the opportunity to connect with a specialist.