Soft Cock: What Should You Do When He Loses His Erection?

Time to Rewrite the Script

Some of society’s well worn sexual scripts about men say that your soft cock is awkward, weird, and not sexy.  When you find you have gone soft, falling into this kind of thinking or belief system can bring up thoughts of unworthiness and feelings of embarrassment or even shame, making it challenging to return to a state of arousal.

To make matters worse, you might notice that your partner is feeling uncomfortable or disappointed. Worse yet, she might react without sensitivity or care, inadvertently adding to your distress. It can become a rapid, frustrating, and very disappointing downward energy cascade, instead of the fun time you both wanted to have.

A client recently shared that he sometimes goes soft during sex, and has experienced harsh criticism, negativity and slander from different partners. Though the actual reason for his softness might be anxiety, tiredness, recent alcohol intake, or many other factors, some women  see the firmness of a cock as a measuring stick for their attractiveness, worthiness or of their ability to please. This belief system can throw the woman into her own cycle of embarrassment, shame, disappointment, concern, etc.

A Word to the Women

I’d like to speak to the women here—please don’t shame him for being soft! Try compassion, connection and creativity instead.

In order to bring presence and understanding to his experience, you need to get in touch with your own first. How do you feel when you notice his cock has softened? By “feel”, I don’t mean what do you think about it, I mean, what emotion do you feel in your heart, your emotional body? Maybe disappointed, sad or concerned?

Allow yourself to feel your disappointment, confusion, etc. These feelings are real and you want to care for them and harvest their messages about your needs for connection and pleasure. You had expectations that at this moment are not being met. Bring care to yourself for the feelings and the unmet needs, then release them and see what is possible, as you adjust to the new reality of the moment.

You also likely have thoughts about it. What do you make it mean about you? About him? About your relationship? It may help to remind yourself that his soft cock does not mean anything about you specifically. Yet it is equally important to validate, and not deny, your experience.

What are you wanting at this moment? Maybe to feel loved and desired? For him to have a hard cock so you can continue to build your pleasure more easily? Being honest about your own experience grounds you to the present moment, one that is free from judgment, shame, and condemnation. Create authentic, compassionate self-connection.

Offer Compassion

You can now extend your compassion toward him. What might he be feeling, needing and wanting? What is it like to be him right now? Too many words can stall out the sexual energy of the moment, but your quiet compassionate thoughts and care will nourish him.

It is natural to wonder at the cause of the loss of erection. But dwelling there will block your focus on body pleasures of the moment. Later you can debrief with him.

It’s possible he doesn't feel safe, possibly at an unconscious level he himself does not understand. There are many possible factors which you can explore together in time. The experience of unsafety isn’t always a cognitive process. In fact, often it is a primal process, triggered in the subtle energy body and nervous system before the mind can fully acknowledge or articulate what’s happening.

The embodiment healing path provides tools to understand and take responsibility for the feeling of unsafety, or whatever experience a person is having. It cultivates groundedness and regulation in the nervous system. (This is what I teach). How can you show up as a grounded and loving force in this intimate moment?

It’s important to remember that a soft cock is not anyone’s fault. It’s a natural occurrence. He has received so much malware that he must always be rock hard during intimacy. The truth is, eros (sexual desire) moves in waves. When he experiences a contraction, or ebb in energy flow, he can learn to bypass the old mental narrative of condemnation, wrongdoing, guilt or shame.

You both contribute to a co-created, shared experience. Both of you have power to bring enjoyment and connection, despite challenges. Moment by moment you can choose to steer away from judgment and condemnation. Move instead toward acceptance, presence, play, spontaneity, creativity, expanding pleasure and heart connection. These are the magic ingredients of a vital tantra practice!

A Few Last Suggestions

Here are a couple more suggestions to bring back connection after an ebb in sexual flow.

Bring the awareness to a contact point. Maybe that’s first through placing your hand to his heart space. Or look into his eyes. Take some deep breaths. Focus on bringing awareness to the thread of connection and heart space that is available in the moment. During this moment, it’s okay if the sexual energy is not present. Let him know that you’re not going anywhere. Both of you can be present with each other without needing the experience to be different.

And it is okay to hold a soft cock, to play with it lightly. Allow this to be your invitation to love up on that soft cock. Kiss it. Lick it. Enjoy its shape and texture in your mouth, or maybe rub it lightly on your yoni to pleasure yourself too. As always, your relaxed presence and enjoyment of whatever the micro-moment brings enlivens you, him and the magical potential of your connection! This re-patterns his psyche. He sees that his soft cock is lovable, worthy of praise and pleasure and able to give pleasure.

Let’s work together to rewrite the sexual script that a soft cock is a turn off. Reclaim the absolute miracle that is right there in your bed, soft or hard cock—two human beings relaxed and present, exploring what is possible in loving sexual pleasure. In this expansive state of pleasure and power, the negativity and judgment naturally fade away into the distance, soon happily forgotten.