Wallow or Will

This past week, I found myself in one of the heaviest "fractals" I’ve experienced in a long time. In my community, we use the term "fractal" to describe a state where I identify with a part of myself that feels separate from my divinity—a part that forgets it’s connected to Source. Usually, these fractals last a few hours or a day, but this time it stretched to four days. I felt deeply depressed, anxious, and disconnected, frozen in doom. I was lying motionless, listening to a voice of despair, completely drained of the willpower to shift my energy or take action. Have you ever felt disabled by emotion?

One morning, Hannah invited me to the gym, and though I was unsure how it would go, I did some light exercises and felt a little better afterward. The fog hadn’t lifted completely, but it wasn’t as suffocating. A few days later, I returned with the intention of moving through the anxiety, allowing it to transmute rather than resisting it. This movement helped clear the anxiety and led to a grief release, which brought much-needed relief. Afterward, I felt lighter and ready for a healing conversation with my partners, helping me feel more grounded and safe within myself.

Even as an Embodiment Coach, I’m still refining my commitment to embodiment—learning how to take better care of myself and prioritize alchemizing my energy. I am remembering  that I have a choice: I can wallow in darkness, or I can choose to activate my will power, move my body, and shift my energy. While the experience had its own perfection and was necessary for my healing, I’m grateful I eventually chose to move my body and ask for support, allowing me to step into a space of greater safety and unity.

Looking back, I now see the perfection in the heaviness of that experience. In Tantric philosophy, every moment—whether painful or blissful—offers an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. I realize now that in those moments, I wasn’t meant to shift my energy because I needed to fully experience that pain for my healing. The contrast of feeling disconnected was an invitation to move deeper into my body, allowing the emotions to flow without resistance. Through the PolyTantric Method, I’ve learned that embracing discomfort with compassion leads to expansion. By releasing my ego’s need for control, I’ve become an empowered creator of my reality. Through deeper feeling and compassion, I’ve found the strength to rise, more embodied and free to create the life I desire.