How to Please Your Woman… and Make Her Want More

Men often say that they want to learn from me “how to please a woman… and make her want more.” I’ve had clients ask me to teach them how to give oral, to learn the best techniques, how to make a woman quake with pleasure. The truth is, the best way to “please” a woman/fem identified person is not what you think it is!

Giving pleasure is about:

• Feeling pleasure within yourself
• Feeling safe to express your desires
• Releasing expectation
• Cultivating safe and authentic connection
• Being present, connecting to your intuition
• And learning how to ask questions.

An objectified guided experience with one woman showing you “how to” give oral will only get you so far. Every woman is different, so one technique might not work for every Yoni (vagina).

I want to teach you how to have an orgasmic relationship to giving pleasure and understanding the nature of the feminine.

A Tantric Perspective

If you are giving pleasure, you are in the giving role of masculine. The person who is receiving from you is in feminine. No matter your gender, taking “masculine” means having a grounded presence, non-attachment to outcome, and persistence.

It takes time for all of us to feel safe to surrender to feminine energy. It's important to create a foundation of emotional connectivity, safety and groundedness. When desiring the feminine to surrender fully to her erotic, wild, feminine energy, while you may strongly desire the outcome of orgasm, it’s important to have patience, as the feminine does not work well with force or expectation.

Try this. Sit or lay with your partner, and breathe with them. Feel the expansion of breath in your low belly and pelvis. Allow yourself to feel relaxed in their presence, next to their body. Soften your heart and chest on your exhale.

Discover your relationship dynamic. Does she want you to take full control, or does she desire slow motions, check-ins, etc? How does your body want to move with hers? Have you connected before?

If this is a familiar connection, how can you discover her body and her heart in a new way?

Do you desire to expand in orgasmic energy? Initiate an intimate conversation to share your desires and hear what she desires, how it makes her feel, and extend safety to the connection.

Then, place your hand over her Yoni (vagina), with permission, and breathe with her. See if you can feel the pulsing aliveness of it. Notice how that makes you feel.

When you both are ready, get naked together and feel your skin to her skin. When you please her, guide yourself into presence and breath. You can never go too slow… As you take your time, she’ll beg you to give more!

How To Show Up

What I ask of you is this: learn to embody your grounded masculine. This means discovering how to maintain presence in the face of desire. The grounded masculine is present to all energy, emotion, movement, and ripple.

The feminine wants your full presence. She wants to feel safe to ride the ebbs and flows of pleasure. She wants you to feel the pleasure with her.

When they say they want to gain the tools to please a woman I ask my clients, “What is your relationship to the unknown? Do you feel comfortable not knowing the outcome, not knowing what she likes, and do you feel comfortable being honest and asking her, ‘how does that feel?’”

The beauty of sex and intimacy is that there is space for the unknown. There’s space to feel new sensations, expand connection, and be in awe.

Unlike how the porn industry exemplifies sexual pleasure as fast and disconnected, many women who are emotionally tapped-in need the safety of an intimate connection first, before fully surrendering into orgasmic bliss with their partner.

When creating an intimate connection, it is important to remember that intimacy is not just about sex. Intimacy is creating safety for vulnerability, honesty, and depth. Tantra offers a foundation to create more pleasurable experiences, sexual or not.

This is a risk, if you are trying to pretend that you know what you’re doing. But trust me, the benefits of opening your heart and being comfortable with the unknown in the presence of your partner is so worth it.

Deep Listening and Presence

Pleasure with the feminine requires deep listening and presence. Feeling her heart. Watching the way her body moves. Feeling the sounds that she makes, and listening to your own body, too.

If you are in your head, thinking about a technique that you read about on the internet, or trying to “get her” to orgasm, are you really in your pleasure body? Or are you seeking validation from your woman?

When you are connected to your own body and sense of pleasure, she feels that too.

Here is the myth: There is a logical, linear pathway to any one woman’s orgasm. The truth: Every woman is different. And the feminine is not linear. The female orgasm has ebbs and flows. Follow it with your intuition.

The myth: The goal is orgasm, and that is what will give her pleasure. The truth: The goal is presence, connection, and communication. The feminine is spacious, slow, and unpredictable. It is important that you don’t project your desires to hit the finish line onto her. When you are present with her pleasure, and allow her to ride that wave, her pleasure expands. You give her space to feel.

The goal is love and transparency. Sex gets really good when you're able to communicate about your desires. The goal is to feel connected to your body and drop out of your head. Embody your desire and your eroticism without expectation.

Lastly, enjoy the moment!