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Sexual Mastery Includes Emotional Mastery
Many men approach me with questions about how to please women, how to last longer in bed, or how to “perform” better sexually. I understand why they ask, of course they want to please women and strengthen their physical abilities. What they often don’t realize is that these concerns are not the root of the issue. In fact, sexual mastery isn’t just about technique, stamina, or physically pleasing your partner—it's deeply intertwined with emotional stamina and awareness.
The Emotional Foundation of Sexual Energy
To truly master your sexuality, start by understanding your emotions. Many men are unaware of the emotions beneath the surface, which can lead to a lack of control over sexual energy and desires. The key is either you control your emotions, or they control you. Without emotional awareness, men may fall into patterns like rushing to orgasm, detachment, or feeling disconnected.
Sexual mastery, then, is not only about learning techniques to please your partner—it is about understanding yourself and becoming aware of the anxieties and urges that we operate from. This includes confronting your fears, acknowledging your emotional blocks, and becoming aware of where you hold pain within your body. Many men unconsciously try to bypass these emotional challenges by seeking quick release through orgasm. However, this only perpetuates a cycle of emotional avoidance and blocks true intimacy and pleasure.
Presence and Perseverance in Sexual Exploration
Mastering your sexual energy requires presence and perseverance. It’s a process of tuning into your body and emotions, of being fully aware and engaged in the experience of not just sex, but all of life. For example, on my sexual healing journey with my partner, he gave me space to drop into my feminine energy, and deep-seated fears and unresolved trauma began to surface. This reaction wasn’t because of anything external, but because my body wasn’t used to surrendering so deeply and receiving such intense love. My past experiences had conditioned me to be on guard, making it difficult to fully embrace pleasure and vulnerability.
Understanding this, I started with taking the lead in sexual experiences, guiding my partner so that I could establish a sense of safety within myself before fully surrendering into my feminine. As I softened into my feminine energy and embraced my primal desire to be well-f*cked, I learned how to tune into my body’s needs. There were moments when I felt overwhelmed or triggered, and in those moments, my partner and I would pause, breathe together, and return to the experience when I felt ready. This deep connection and mutual understanding allowed me to heal and open up to greater intimacy and ecstasy.
The Emotional Landscape of Male Sexuality
Men also face their own unique emotional challenges in the realm of sexuality. Many men experience sexual encounters from a place of detachment, often in a trauma response that leads them to avoid deep emotional connection. This can manifest as rushing through sex, focusing solely on achieving orgasm, or becoming emotionally shut down in the process. The result is a transactional experience, where the focus is on “getting to the finish line” rather than fully embracing the pleasure and sensation of the moment.
This is a common struggle for many men, especially when they first start to explore the deeper aspects of their sexuality. The challenge lies in learning to stay present and fully engaged in the experience of pleasure. It may feel overwhelming at first, as some men may find that when they fully embrace pleasure, they release too quickly. It’s a pattern that often leads to the attempt of “thinking about something else” in an effort to last longer. However, this only creates more emotional disconnection and prevents them from experiencing the deeper pleasure that is available.
Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Reactivity
A key component of both sexual and emotional mastery is learning how to operate from a balanced nervous system, and come out of emotional reactivity. So many of us operate from an emotionally reactive place in our everyday lives, and this shows up in our sex lives as well. To achieve mastery in any area of life, including sex, you must learn how to move from a place of reactivity into responsiveness, presence, and conscious choice.
If you're struggling with performance anxiety or premature ejaculation, it’s important to understand that there is no quick fix - this is a journey. Techniques like “thinking about something else” or focusing solely on delaying orgasm are band-aid solutions that do not address the root of the issue. At the baseline, these issues have an emotional root. Whether it’s fear, shame, or insecurity, until you identify and work through these emotional blocks, you won’t experience lasting freedom and pleasure in your sex life and beyond.
The Root of Sexual Blocks: Emotional Awareness
True sexual mastery begins when you become aware of the emotional blocks that might be preventing you from fully expressing your sexuality. Our psyche and bodies often hold onto past trauma, shame, or unresolved emotions that hinder our sexual, creative, and playful expression. When you learn to be in tune with yourself—physically, emotionally, and energetically—you can begin to dissolve these blocks and experience a freer, more powerful expression of your sexual energy.
In order to access sexual mastery, you must explore where your emotional energy is rooted. This means being willing to look at the unconscious emotions that are driving your sexual behaviors. Are you avoiding vulnerability? Are you numbing emotional pain through sex? Are you disconnected from your body or from the person you’re with? Through getting to the root of your emotional patterns, you can cultivate a deeper sense of connection, both with yourself and with your partner.